Why is it that it always seems that everyone around me has had things better off? No matter where I go, those that are part of my life has all these amazing stories about their high school days and yet I'm left with nothing. They all seem to have had the portrayed image of what high school was supposed to be, especially their senior year. I've had more than my own share of crap. I'm turning 19 and I've been discharged from the Army. I've witnessed or had nearly 30 suicides in 4 years. I've been shot at, diagnosed with a lung condition, and lost my father all from the time that I started high school to now. I've had an anything but stellar public education. The teachers have no clue as to how to teach their subjects. They haven't been to school for it in years. Our administrators don't know what the hell they're doing. I want to know why, for once, we can't have something from our district or school that might actually mean something to those of us that are graduating and not to the faculty and staff. They want everything to be all about them. They don't see that by doing that they are not only hindering us, but also killing our spirit. My spirit has been crushed so many times by the Kansas City Missouri School District that I'm surprised I have a single fragment of it left. It's been over a year since Chris Ray killed himself and only a few weeks until the anniversary of Eloisa Mendez's death as well. At only 18 years of age, and I've been through so much. Kim, Caitlin, Morgan, Dani, Hannah, all of them seem to have had the picture-perfect high school experience. I've had anything but that. Yes, I started college early. So what? That only means that I want out of there as soon as I can. Again, yes, I graduate in exactly one month. But have you thought yet about the graduating classes after me? How much they're going to lose out on if things don't get straightened out like they need to be in this district? I can deal with the self-sacrifice, I've done it for so long, but the others is what I care about. I don't want them to have to.

What the fuck has happened to this world? Seriously, what went wrong exactly? I know all about The Fall, im studying for ministry, but when do young brothers rape their older sisters? When do they get them pregnant and act as if it isnt theirs but their sisters ex-boyfriends? Tell me this, what exactly is wrong with this picture? Our culture used to be full of purity and discernment between right and wrong, but now, there's none of that. Why in the hell do these things happen? Why can't guys learn to keep their fucking dicks in their damn pants?! I swear, the way things are going lately, I'm just gonna give up and leave this place. This is the exact fucking reason why I'm gonna go active duty as soon as I can. I'm sick of this shit! This is why I never watch the fucking news! The only things that make the news is shit and crap, nothing worthwhile to watch except people killing people or raping them. It's as if my entire fucking world is turning in on itself. Just a fucking two weeks ago I attended one of my fellow soldieir's memorial service because he killed himself because he popped a hot UA. Now this shit! I swear, if I ever see that fucking kid I'm gonna cut his dick off with a dull, rusty, serrated knife and make it the most torturous and cruel punishment that I can think of! If he thinks he's gonna get away with this shit, with taking my fucking life-mate's purity, he's got something else to say. If I have to, I'll beat that sister-fucker to a bloody mess and make him clean it up before I feed his shit to the fucking dogs! I don't get mad or rageful over many things, but this is just something that sends me way over the top. She was my fucking life-mate you asshole!

 What really is love? Affection? Lust? Greed? Anything would be better than the "love" ive been shown in the past 2 months at church. Ever since I made one simple yet complicated mistake, it seems like everyone wants me gone. Why? Cause I'm not what everyone there expected me to be. They all want me to stay with the band, yet they don't want me around cause according to them, I'm "poisonous" and "hazardous" to their Christian health. Apparently I'm a snake then. In that case, I may just end up leaving. The only one in the band that even acts like they want me to stay is Alyssa (youth pastor's daughter) and she's the one I messed over. And yet, I've been given no reasons to stay. The only reason I do is cause of my love of music and that's it. Even the one person, Jonah our bass guitarist, who asked me to come back wants me gone now and that's just cause Kyla, the other youth pastor's daughter, asked him to ask me. Even tonight, with our current topic in youth group being relationships, gave me a look that he directed strictly at me with a blazing fire in his eyes. Simply cause I made one mistake. One! He keeps going on about how we're all human and we make mistakes, yet everytime I go there I get the feeling that I'm not wanted anymore, and I'm not. Me and Alyssa had a thing for each other about a year ago and I messed it up somehow when I started going to a Mormon church as an investigation for a research paper in school. Just cause I had to quit going for a while didn't mean I gave up, simply that I had somewhere else to be. Well I suppose pretty soon they'll all find a reason to get rid of me for good which I can only anticipate will be very soon. I need to talk to her and Donny, who's her boyfriend though she said she wouldn't date till she was married, about what all went on. I only just realized how though, thanks to Sarita. Without her and other friends of mine with my wolf pack, I'd either be dead or in jail by now.